There were two stripes on the test. It was a confirmation that your life has begun inside me. From that day I have been imagining the little life inside me and talked laughed sang and lived for you my baby ! Around the beginning of second trimester I experienced the difference that my body was preparing for your food. Beginning of the third month my body was giving more signals and I was getting to know that I will be feeding you and started imagining our bond during feeding.
You were born and the first feed ! It was a breastcrawl ! As I was just from a c section, with the stitches and drips and the post operation mode, I couldn’t hold you comfortably. But looked like, you were prepared. You were also waiting for this moment. You cried and searched and did a small crawl and latched . The first feed. Ah.. Both the times, the memory is fresh and lovely in me. It was paining as you started at first. As you got it right, you were a happy kitten. I smiled then laughed and kissed you on your forehead. That was a lovely experience . This part of my body had been only a purpose of a sexual attention since I knew that part existed . I have been covering it, protecting it, securing it, felt it was a precious part of my body! Sometimes felt annoyed when it restricted my freedom.
You gave a different purpose for them. You showed me how these are connected to the purpose of life. You were on total breastfeeding for the first 6 months. I would just rest my back and try to fall asleep and the minute I hear your “unga unga” sound asking for milk, I will just bounce and sit . Some days in my life after you were born , I dont remember doing anything else other feeding you. Every time doctor says you have been fed well and u r a healthy baby, I will feel the meaning of real pride.
After six months, we started solids to you. However, my feed was your favourite most. And let it be a fall down, let it be fever,vaccination or mood out or even when you get bored you will just relax with my feed.
I never liked breastfeeding in public as we share an intimacy during the feeds. You looking at my eyes, me patting on your head. You getting naughty jumping from my lap yet not letting the feed pause… me making funny faces to you . We playing peek a boo during feeding times – you are a part of me baby darling…
I have never cared for my health so much except for the months I have breastfed my children . The normal girl in me skips food, loves soft drinks, munches junk, never eats on time. The mommy me ensures timely healthy food. Enough water, ensuring all vitamins minerals intake. I never bothered about the taste of the food, the moment someone says it is good as you at feeding your baby, I will eat it”
This experience is same for both times for both my kids.
Now as you are 18 months my dear, I have weaned you off from my feed. This was not an easy process. I tried hiding from you, you cried. I felt bad, guilty, helpless seeing you suffer without your favourite ‘mama milk’. You refused taking bottle milk first two days. Slowly you angrily accepted the fact and took bottle milk. Still when you see me you start asking and I felt worse and worst saying no to you each time. I almost stayed away from you for ten days. And one fine day we could confirm that you have totally weaned from breastfeeding. “Ah! Baby.. don’t u remember our bond and times during the bf sessions ” – my inner emotions will feel so. It was not just a tough process for you but for me too.
One day I heard you cry, I felt like feeding you but we have stopped it… Another day at dinner a friend offered a food and I said ” I am not supposed to eat as am feeding ” and there it striked…. Today you are unwell and doctor said “if u r still feeding pls continue that’s best for your child” and I felt sad for stopping…
But sometimes being a parent is also about growing up as a parent. A decision is taken for you to become a bigger baby. For me too. Let’s get into the next phase of our bonding . Your brother and me also disconnected on breastfeeds and then we started toddler-mommy days, schooling-story days and now funny mommy days 😉 Me and your brother came through many phases & is going through each level of upgraded phase in our bond.
I am sure we will also go through all the phases customised in our own way! Unique and special for both of us.
It’s emotional as I wean you off from my breastfeed but we are entering into next stage in our bond. Waiting to grow along with you my sweetie pie baby … Muah! Love you baby… my love