How Blue is My Sapphire

11:59 PM :

They are making some arrangements for my birthday, thinking that I am peacefully sleeping inside. Only I know what is running in my mind. All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future.But some of us know how to shrug the past.I think that is who I am…. It is not easy, it is not as easy as it was written as words. Much easier to preach but not practice. I am not whom I thought I was. Now I have decided to be… I have decided to wear my same confident smile, I cleared my throat and took a deep breathe and saw myself in the mirror and said, “ You are going to be good , things will not change”. As I open the door, mom along with Rajan are waiting with the cake, singing with excitement “Happy birthday to you Sreeja”. I am smiling and hugging them like nothing happened. That is just my first step towards coming out of it.

11.00 PM :

My hands are still shivering. I can’t believe that I did it. I am extremely tensed. Do I have a choice not to come out of it ? No, I have decided to get back, my mind insists so. But my hands dont seem to listen , they still tremble. That scene is still playing repeatedly before my eyes. That animal…. Oh no ! I am not thinking again. I have checked if the blood stains are clearly wiped off. Wait, let me check if I am still alive or it is just the soul. There are high chances that I could have died there, the day before my birthday would have been the last day in my life. I say to myself, “No, Sreeja, come on! Bounce back, forget it, you are different. Think of your own boldness. Think of your motivating words, what you have decided is correct. Forget it forever, let it remain as a secret that only you know. Be normal“. Yes I have said this 100 times and have washed my face to wipe the tears and fear, but it doesn’t seem to go off. Somehow it has to. I can hear some sound outside. Mom and Rajan’s voice. They are making some arrangements for my birthday thinking that I am peacefully sleeping inside.

08:00 PM :

Thanks to the stole I am wearing, I can cover my face and run into my nest. I put my hand into my jean pocket searching for the keys, my fingers are shaking as if they are going to detach from my hand. But, I have to take the keys, before someone sees me, before someone waves a hi, most importantly before mom comes home. I got the keys, Thank God !

Thank God, not just for the keys but for the air I am breathing this minute. My actions go fast after that, opening the door, locking it from inside, rushing into my room, locking it from inside again, rushing into my bathroom, locking it from inside again. This is a moment I badly want to cover myself into shells; I opened all water taps and screamed to the crust. I am crying, the tap washes the blood stains from my wound. I want to cry.I want to erase the fear. I want to delete what happened. I do not think I can overcome this. I suddenly wish I am not alive. But why ? I have finally won. Still.. hmm, now I realise why everyone decides to die. Though I somehow made it, I feel ugly and fearful on how I got trapped. No, I have decided to die. I am holding on my breathe. Alas ! it doesn’t work. But, how can I stand with the same pride and elegance I always carry. How can I show the world that I am a modern woman with very broad thoughts. It is definitely easy to motivate others, not when we are in the situation.With great difficulty, I have now decided to survive , have decided to get back. But my hands are still shivering.

05: 00 PM :

This is such a lovely extended lunch with Rajan. The day is just mine since morning. I feel that “my life is really a bed of roses”. Isn’t it? I did not expect that I will become so famous in a day , and as always, when I am extremely happy or sad, my eyes always want to see only him and he immediately comes to complete that cycle of my emotion . I know I shouldn’t be thinking of all this while walking on the road but it happens when you are on cloud nine, when you are in love. I remember my hands just wave to stop the call taxi. I am done telling him my address and sitting

inside the cab, now back flying on cloud nine. Rajan – this guy never entered my life, He is my entire life. The world sees me as a bold and strong lady, and my hearts knows that the fact is that Rajan is the backbone of my strength. He motivates me in whatever I do. Even when I go wrong, he guides me on how can I correct Myself. With him I always bloom and never know what is suppression.

I wonder what I would have become if I haven’t met him in my life? What I get, listing it itself makes me feel mesmerised. The courage I get when I hold his hands,among all the appreciations I receive, it is his proud looks that makes me feel great about myself, his romantic looks make me feel beautiful, his caring looks make me feel like a child. I have got the best of everything in life and Rajan is the best amongst all those best ones. The sudden jolt of the cab speeding past a speed breaker brings me back to reality. Wait ! This is not the regular route. Where am I ? Why is it such a remote area ? I can see tall trees, deep bushes. I say in a bold tone, “Hey , hello.. where are you taking me?, stop the car “, As I am shouting at the cab driver, I am also trying to take my phone in one hand and opening the door with other hand. He is pressing a sudden break and I fell down. “Ouch”. He has given me a tight slap. I fell below the seat helpless. He has now grabbed my handbag and threw it away. Within a gist, I can feel that he is dragging me out of the car and starting to attack me. He is no more he. He is like a wild animal , a wild buffalo, with no sense of respect for other’s feelings. The buffalo’s rough skin is touching my skin. I cannot tolerate it. Rajan always says my skin is like a feather and now all that purity and softness is just destroyed with a touch, while his hairy ugly skin touched. A rough wild, yucky wild buffalo is just getting on me. His hands are pressing my hips , Ouch, there is no word to explain this dirty pain. His horrible mouth is approaching my sensitive lips to attack me. No, I am nodding my head as fast as I can.Gathering all my strength. I hit him hard. I have finally pushed him out and started running for help. He is trying to grab me again, he is again holding my back with both his hands, dragging me backwards towards him. His hands are taking grip holding the sensitive parts of my body. I just don’t want to give up, I kicked him on his groins, as hard as I can. I can’t let him tear me apart, hence I run fast screaming aloud.He is just a few centimetres behind. He is about to grab me back. I am running for my life. I either want to die this minute or run to save my life, I do not want to be caught by him. Suddenly, I hear a siren sound. And I can see him slowing down. But, I am not. I am running, finally ah! There is the road. Thanks to the ambulance for the siren sound. I have not stopped running yet, I am still running on the road. I want to go home. I see another cab but no, I don’t have the courage to get in. I keep running, now I see a bus and I wave desperately for the bus to stop and I get in. Finally I am where i should have been an hour back, my home. Thanks to the stole I am wearing, I can cover my face and run into my nest.

02:00 PM :

I know that this is the time I should be with a big group of people enjoying the success. If I have accepted the TV interview, this minute I will be sitting there. But, all I want is this moment. Rajan is picking me from my home. As I get into his car, he gives me a quick kiss on my forehead saying, “Congratulations madam ! You deserve it”. As usual, we keep talking about the success, recall the initial days. Here we reach the restaurant. Rajan again has started talking about how much he admires me for the work I do on women empowerment and how my words miraculously helps women to believe in them inspite of all the hardship. He says I will reach great heights and this success is just the starting. We noticed the watch only when the waiter informed us that they are closing post lunch. “I have to go to office for some work dear, will you go by yourself or shall I drop you?”, the same Rajan. I can see that he wants to leave alone since he is going to shop for my birthday surprise. Each year I see this same twinkle in his eyes when he bluffs before my birthday. “I will manage da, you carry on”, acting the same me as if I am believing that he is going to office. I wave him bye as he eagerly takes the car and started. With a deep breathe I am walking on the road. This is such a lovely extended lunch with Rajan.

11: 00 AM :

I am opening my laptop again. Well, little casually but with more expectation. To control my anxiety, I am first checking facebook and then slowly clicking on my inbox. Wait !!! I have received a mail

from them. Subject says “Congratulations”. hm, Even for participation they say “Congratulations for participating”. So, let me not get carried away. I sipped into my water bottle like a little girl and I am opening the mail. Water just splashed out from my mouth as I see that mail.

Dear Sreeja, It is indeed our pleasure to announce you as the winner of “Blogathon 2016 – India” We are also happy to add that you have won a cash prize of Rs 3 Lakhs as the title winner.”

I cannot read the entire mail. “Ammaaaa, ammaaa”, I am running to her, kissing her , holding her shoulders and literally jumping. Every time amma hears a good news, she gets smiles and tears at the same time. She blesses me on my forehead with her palm and says “Congratulations sweetie, God bless you.. ok did you inform Rajan?”. My hands are already waiting to grab that phone. As I took my phone, it is ringing. The news is out in twitter and other social media. The post has got 2.5k likes within few minutes, I started receiving calls from many friends and even media and news channels. I have to now take my mother’s phone to call him.“Congratulations.. busy madam, I did not get line to reach you”, Get ready , am on the way”, he knows me so well. I am getting ready for a lunch date with Rajan but I know that this is the time I should be with a big group of people enjoying the success.

08:00 AM :

I just pray that this should be my day , my entry to the hall of fame. As soon as I wake up, usually my fingers will search my phone. Today it is searching for my laptop to check mail. Results will be announced today.I know that my blog is capable of winning the award. Even if my blog doesn’t win, I am confident that I have given a strong message to the society. My blog will be a boost for many woman. One of the best motivational blogs I have written , even among those I have read. I see that there is neither a mail nor a website announcement on the winner. I am opening my blogpage to read the blog for n’th number of time. On my recent views, the blog title appears “Rape is not the end”. I started reading again. Every woman must read this. Especially every soul who has undergone the experience of rape, should read my blog to have an understanding on how to overcome the feeling and start a normal life. There is no use to carry the stress, both physically and mentally. I feel proud about my article. My mind is urging me to check my mail, though my brains says you might get disappointed. I am opening my laptop again.

01: 00 AM :

I just finished the call with Rajan. This is the thousandth time he is appreciating me for the blog. “I am sure your blog will win the Blogathon event. Many entries will be on dowry, women freedom or how to escape rape. But, you have gone a step forward and written about how to survive and live after being sexually abused, being raped, a much needed motivation. They should know that they are not supposed to commit suicide or feel shamed. More over, there is no reason to be ashamed. Why should they feel like killing themselves for a mistake someone else did. Why should a victim feel ashamed ? You have given that message so clear, simple and strong. This is a much needed awareness blog for the society. Ok now go, sleep and call me with the good news morning”, we are exchanging goodnight kisses before hanging the phone. I just pray that this should be my day , my entry to the hall of fame.

The original blog mentioned in my story is here : “Rape is not the end

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